Drunken Tales!
by fredisme
Summary: A collection of short stories about your favorite Bleach characters getting drunk! References to sex, obviously drugs/alcohol, and some language! Can't say it's romance because they're drunk! For the most part, IchiRuki.
1. Pirtey!

"Ichigo!"

"Wah! Renji! You scared the hell outta me!"

Renji pulled out a huge pack of beer.

"We're partying."

"Wha- why- I'M 17!!!"

"Well… If you don't want to…"

"Nnh… If this affects my brain, I'm running Zangetsu through you."

"Ha! And I'll let you!"

"Bull!"

"Nope!"

"Hm!"

* * *

FOUR HOURS LATER:

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah…. *hic*"

"Now DAT wash good…"

Almost everyone in the room was hiccupping from one... um... or nine... too many beers.

"Woohoo!! Hit me again!! Hee… hee…" said Rukia, capriciously swaying from side to side. Ichigo punched her and laughed eccentrically. Rukia giggled, too. "Tee-hee-hee! You're so FUNNY!!"

"I know roight?"

"Why's everyshtink so wavy, Zabimaru?"

Ichigo and Rukia kissed.

"Ah! Watch it, guys!" Urahara was making sure nobody had drunken sex, so he was quite sober, despite two or three beers.

"Why are you even letting the kids drink, anyways?" whispered Yoruichi, who was also sober. She hadn't had much, either.

"They're close enough to legal drinking age and besides, they're just a _little _tipsy…"

"Ahem!"

"Oh fine… They're way over the top…"

"Oi! Uryuu! Here!"

Ichigo shoved a bottle in Uryuu's mouth and forced him to swallow.

"Gack!!"

Uryuu collapsed. Poor guy didn't have the tolerance.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! You can't catch me, Igicho!" hiccupped Rukia, falling out of her chair.

"Here I come!"

Ichigo fell flat on his face and passed out.

"Now that that's taken care of, Yoruichi, would you take them home?"

"Nope… It's our turn to get drunk."

"Who's gonna keep us from having sex?"

"Who's gonna care?"

"Point well seen… Tessei, if you would…"

"Roger."

"Now… PAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAY!!!" said Urahara, grabbing a Corona.

"WOOHOO!!!" said Yoruichi, losing her top.

* * *

**And that's this one. Until next time. Cya.**


	2. Terrorizing the town

"Hey Ichigo… You know what sounds good right now?" said Rukia sneakily.

"What?"

"Beer."

"Wha-"

"Take a swig!"

GLUG.

"That's pretty good… Give me some more…"

****************************************************************

"Whee… HIC… Wow… Rukia… Did you get a breast implant?"

"I don't know… Wow… You're cute all of a sudden…"

"HIC…! So are you!"

"Ha... You think I'm cute… HIC… Ha…"

"Nee-chan! Ichigo! Hollow!" said Kon.

"Ha…ha… he said pee…"

"What the…?"

"HIC…"

"I'll get four-eyes… then…"

Kon hurried off.

"You know what's funny…?"

"Whazzat?"

"You… Ha…ha…ha…"

"God damn it… We're… HIC… All out of beer…"

"Got ta get some more…"

She handed him $50. He ate it.

"Wow… Ichigo… What the hell… ha…"

He belched.

"Woohoo…! Perfect…!"

Urahara noticed them (They were right next to his shop)

"Wow! What are you eating…? Ichigo… I think that's poisonous…"

"Ha… He said pee… Too…"

"Go get more beer…!"

"Er…"

Ichigo grabbed him by the shirt.

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEER…"

"Ok, ok! Jeez!"

He left and came back with a 24 pack.

"Here."

"Hic… Thanks…"

"Wheeeeeeeee… Ichigo… I think I'm gonna…"

She kissed him, unevenly meeting his lips.

"Mmh… You taste like beer…"

He took a long gulp out of a bottle. Then he picked her up over his head.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I'm a birdie…"

"Whoosh… Fly, kitty…"

Urahara stared.

"They scare me…"

"It's okay, Mr. Manager. They'll be either sober or unconscious here in a minute… Aha… There goes Rukia…" said Tessei.

Urahara gaped. Ichigo collapsed and Rukia got herself flung headfirst into a tree.

**Story 2. Hope you liked it.**


	3. Hanataro's fun time!

Hanataro walked home after a particularly long, boring day, with nothing to do but read and watch TV. He noticed something rather peculiar and went to inspect it.

It turned out to be Renji's head. He screamed in surprise as Renji turned to look at him.

"Psst!! PSSTT!!"

"Wh-what is it, Abarai-sempai?"

"Call me Renji… ever feel like getting a little wild, Hamtaro?"

"No, sir… and it's Hanataro…"

"Whatever. Anyways, I'm throwing a party at Rukia's house tonight. Be there."

"R-Rukia-san?! Why her house?!"

"Don't ask questions. Just meet me there."

* * *

DING-DONG.

"Hm? Oh, hello, Hanataro. Come on in," said the lovely young Kuchiki.

Hanataro stepped inside (rather red from being directly addressed by his crush), and looked around. It was a lively party, unlike what one would expect from the Kuchiki household, but then again Rukia must have convinced Byakuya to consent to it. Byakuya was standing in the corner, enjoying himself (which made half the people there think Rukia slipped him some sort of drug) with Renji.

"I would like to make an announcement…" said Byakuya formally and quietly.

"It's time to bob for apples in the champagne, people!!!" yelled Renji gaily.

There was an enormous cheer and Hanataro felt himself being pushed aside from every direction as people rushed for the tubs of champagne.

"Come on, Hana-kun!" said Rukia kindly, grabbing his hand and leading him toward the tubs (poor Hanataro was on the verge of fainting).

"Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-yes, ma'am!!" he squeaked.

Renji came over to them and casually "bumped" Hanataro into a tub, where he almost drowned. Rukia pulled him out to find him barely conscious, at which point, Renji pushed her in and slapped Hanataro helpfully. Rukia came out wide-eyed and red-faced. Renji stared at her like he expected to get killed.

"HALUZJABEGR!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed, ripping off her clothes and running around like a maniac.

"Yep… if that ain't shitfaced I dunno what is…" whispered Renji to Hanataro.

"Yeah…" said Hanataro quietly, walking clumsily over to Rukia.

He turned her around and kissed her, earning a "WTF" from almost everyone in the room. Byakuya dropped his glass on his foot in shock, oblivious to the pain shooting up his leg, Renji fell into the tub, Ukitake whooped at the sudden spike in bravery, Ichigo hit his head against the wall repeatedly (ashamed that Hanataro of all people beat him to her), and Rukia was too drunk to do anything but kiss back.

* * *

**Well, I'm done!!! Read and review, I'm sure you've been waiting for this forever...**


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